What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:20
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ive learnt so much.
We all went to grammer schools
Why do some people have loving parents and some do not?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Put me off passion for life!!
He knew the spot.
But it wasn’t much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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I don,t even have a pension.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
All the time i was locked up.
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So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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She wouldn,t have been !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She married twice! .
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Who then, do I blame.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I have no regrets .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I think the readers, may guess!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was 9 years of age.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So, i spoilt her more .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I said to her
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But, we were locked up after school.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was seconnd youngest,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She found it foreign!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was very sick at this time too.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She loved him until the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Would this be the day?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
Im still living with it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i lived it daily.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I write beautiful poetry .
Comes on , in middle age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I waited trembling.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were not on the streets..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..